Bittersweet

In just 3 days I will Offically be a mom of 2.. We are going to court to adopt Missy. Its been almost 3 years coming... I must be in some kind of a reflective mood lately..
There are a few things people don't get about adoption... and thats what it does to the adopted child.... Yes they are getting a forever family.. but they are also being remove from their birthfamily.. and that is a loss that needs to be grieved and acknowledged.
We are gaining a daughter.. but there are 2 young people out there that have lost their child. There is a hmom who is willingly trusting me to mother this little princess. To teach her and guide her and love her..
There is a dad who's heart is broken because he doesnt really get why he was denied custody, and who loves her so much he put his own Want aside and chose to let us adopt her.
Did this come easy? Aw heck no.. Its been an uphill battle.. but its the best ending we could have hoped for. Missy gets us, and she gets to have a continued relationship with her birthparents...
The thought of that scares me...
I dont know what the next 15yrs are going to look like...
but I pray that I do right by K & A and that I dont mess up this incedible gift they've given us.

Thoughts on Adoption

Im adopted.. most people know that... but recently Ive been asked "how does it feel to be adopted".. and I might finally have an answer to that.. I was scrolling through the urban dictionary today (I know, I can be a geek sometimes) and i looked up "unrequited love".. and it gave me this..

"Its the feeling of being completely, hopelessly, desperately in love with someone, all the while knowing that your feelings will never reach them.

Its contradictory in that you feel incredible because you love someone so much, but also at the same time you feel almost overwhelming despair because you will never know what it is like to hold them in your arms, or touch their face, or kiss their lips. You will never know what it is like to wake-up next to them in bed in the morning, bodies entwined.
It can be masochistic in nature- it causes such heartache, but you enjoy loving the person so much, you willingly let your heart go through the agony, so you can hold onto something- I don't know, maybe hope?
In any case, unrequited love is a very sad thing.

"Unrequited Love"-
Its like drowning but you just won't fucking die"

 

Now most times unrequited love is thought of to be one sided wanna be romantic.. but M's birthmom has been on my mind and heart a lot the last few days.. and I think it can be fitting for her (or any birthmom).. 

"Its the feeling of being completely, hopelessly, desperately in love with someone, all the while knowing that your feelings will never reach them. Its contradictory in that you feel incredible because you love someone so much, but also at the same time you feel almost overwhelming despair because you will never know what it is like to hold them in your arms, or touch their face, tickle them, read them stories or hug them tight. You will never know what it is like to rock them to sleep at night, or hold them when they are sick.You will never see their first steps, first day of school, their first date, or possibly even their wedding day... It can be masochistic in nature- it causes such heartache, but you already love this little person so much, you willingly let your heart go through the agony, so you can hold onto something - I don't know, maybe hope? that one day they will find you....
In any case, unrequited love is a very sad thing.

"Unrequited Love"- Its like drowning but you just won't fucking die"  

I edited it a bit.. but it really works for birth moms, and adopted kids... 

Anyway.. we are finalizing our second adoption on friday.. and its going to be bittersweet. Im so blessed to have this little girl call me mommy.. but at the same time her birthmom has a broken heart.

I should go make supper =)

~J~

 

 

I Kissed Xanga Goodbye

Yea.. its official! I closed my Xanga account less then 2min ago.
I just got so tired of the negativity, the attacks, and all the other junk.

sooo   thats it for now. Have to leave to pick up the boy in a bit.

until another day! 

My little neglected blog

I feel terrible. I completely forgot I even had this blog =(  but the nice thing about blogs is that they are very forgiving.
Im going to try to write more.. I know I need to.. hopefully it will work out better this time.
Im actually going to be shutting down my xanga account. Its time I moved on from that negative place.
For today tho, I must say goodbye. I have to water plants, vacuum and clean out my fridge...

Hope you are having a lovely spring!

Busy

Ok, i have not posted in a while...  Our house has been a little busy.
First of all.. BIG NEWS!!!!! As of last Friday, the 17th, I am a Mommy!!!! We finalized our first adoption, Sheldon, whom we have had in our care for almost 4 years. It was a long, hard battle.. but I would do it again.
Wait.. did I say would? That should be "but we ARE doing it again".. thats right.. Lord willing we will go to court for crown wardship at the end of April.
Which means.. the docket date is April 24 and that is for the 3 weeks after. Now if we are very blessed (and I am praying for favor) and we are in the top 5 cases, then we will actually get to trail. If we are at the end, then we could get bumped.
For who? Well, that would be the little Princess, cute and adorable and 16 months old. We have had her for almost a year now.. and she is that tiny tyrant missing piece of our family. Pray!
So thats what we have been up to.
Now I am off to say for the 110th time today "Sheldon get off your sister!"

On the "Right to Fight"

Ive been thinking about this a lot recently, especially when it comes to birth parents.
Every child we have cared for in our home has been a wonderful blessing. They have each taught me something, and S made me a mommy.
We went through a long 3.5 year battle with S's birthmom. She has no capibility to parent him, yet she was able to drag it out for over 3 years. Why? Because she had the right to fight.
M's birthmom and maternal grandma want us to adopt her. M's birthdad, who has been told he has no chance of getting custody, is digging in his heels and making it go to court.. Because he, as nothing more then a sperm donor, has the right to fight.
Well, what about the child's rights? M has been with us for 10 months. Doesn't she have the right to stay where she is safe, loved, protected and provided for? We have had her since she was 4 months old, we are all she knows. She has the right to stay with us.
So, who's rights are more important?
The birth father?
Ours?
Or M's?
No matter which way it goes, someone will be hurt.
If he gets custody, I honestly don't know what I will do. I will be a mess for awhile. but in time I will pick up the peices, and be ready to go again. But I would worry about her for the rest of my life.
If we get crownward.. he loses his legal rights to his daughter.
There is no winning.
I wish my birthmom would fight to have me in her life the way these birth parents fight for their children.
But I am so thankful for my incredible parents... My mom is one of my best friends, and it makes it a little easier to know that she has been though what Ive been though..

I just want to sleep..

To All the moms out there...
Out of sheer desperation I am turning to you all for help.. My 1 yr old daughter is still not sleeping through the night. And I just don't know what to do about it. We've tried letting her cry it out, but I just can't do it. Its so mean and it goes against everything I stand for as a mom. I don't think she is waking out of habit because she is still taking a whole bottle (yes, she is on formula right now, its half formula half whole milk) and its not at the same time every night.
She naps for about 2 hours during the day, and has no problem going to sleep at bed time... but Im beginning to think this waking at night will never stop.
So moms, when did your little ones start sleeping the night? How did you get them to do it?
Any hints, or tips would be appreciated!

*please note that the issue of formula/milk is not the point of this post. The point is getting little Princess to sleep the night. So lets keep the focus there. Thank You*